Smut and Peach Cobbler

I would like to thank my BFF J for single handedly turning me into a smut slut.  I wasn't much of a reader beyond In Touch and Star magazines until I was introduced to smut.  I remember that day like it was yesterday....

Everybody and their Mom had been harping on me to read Twilight (I don't do vampires unless they're Alexander Skarsgard) and Hunger Games (these people are trying to survive?  Um, yeah I navigate through the jungle every day) and frankly, I wasn't interested.  Now my buddy J is all about reading some books so when she told me the background on Fifty, I was mildy curious.   I read the entire trilogy in just over 24 hours.  No shit.  I was laying in bed with the covers over my head reading on my iPhone (God Bless You Steve Jobs) at 530a and T is all "Are you reading?  What time did you wake up?".  Yeeeaaaahhhhh....never went to bed.  To say that he was shocked at my sudden love of literature is an understatement.  Remember folks, he's the book worm in this marriage.  Anyway, I was hooked.  Hooked on smut.  The smuttier, the better.  I'll take my smut plain or with a side of emotional roller coaster.  I don't discriminate on the smut.

The emotional roller coasters get me.  I'm old and my blood pressure can't handle it.  That and there's always one character that I want to punch in the face.  Usually it's the self loathing female lead.  Ugh, so what if you're not a size 2?  He's basically telling you that he loves you and wants you to have his babies and you're still all "I'm not what you normally date.  Wah wah wah, I'm a dumb ass because I can't see that you want me..."  Again, makes me want to donkey punch these bitches in the throat.  See?  My pressure's rising just thinking about donkey punching.  Breathe.

So this brings me to now...I go through about a book a day (my friends swear I read at some super human speed.  Yeah, that's my super power...stealth reading) and enjoy holding Oprah's Smutty Book club with J via text and with N via email.  Unfortunately, T and I share an Amazon account so therefore we share a Cloud.  Before I discovered smut it was dominated (no pun intended) by military history stuff.  Now, it's junked up with smut.  And T totes judges me.  As I do him.  Case in point:

Me: What are you reading?
T: Blah blah, Battle of Midway, blah blah
Me: Was there smut in that battle?
T: *stares at me blankly*

The real kicker?  I didn't realize that T gets an email from Amazon every time I order a book.  Every. Freaking. Smut. Book. Bought.  *sigh*  Now I'm careful about the titles I choose.

Oh and the peach cobbler?  Ask me how someone can screw up a recipe that only calls for peaches, butter and a mix?  Yeah, I don't know how I did it either but it's been in the oven for an hour longer than it was supposed to and it's still not looking like the picture on the damn box.  Stupid peach cobbler.

If This Doesn't Win Best Picture At The Oscars, I'm Boycotting The Academy

So you know it's a good week when you go to see Magic Mike twice...in 3 days.  I usually don't do movie reviews but please indulge me for a minute and let me ramble on about how freaking hot Channing Tatum is good this movie was.  I mean, it had everything that I look for in a movie- hot men, comedy, little romance, hot men, etc.  Channing was adorably funny.  And hot.  Matthew McConaughey was Matthew McConaughey.  Husky Texas draw and killer abs.  The only thing bleh about him was his face.  Dude is starting to look his age!  If you didn't look above his shoulders though, it was all good.  Anyway, it was an enjoyable hour and fifty minutes.  But let me tell you the most entertaining part of this whole review.  Wait for it....wait for it...the theater was chock full of elderly ladies!  I'm not talking the desperate housewives of O'Fallon, IL here (the cougars represented).  No, I'm talking my Mom-Mom's age elderly women!  One lady, she had to be at least 80, rolled on up in there with her walker!  I silently gave Grams props but felt kind of bad for her equally as elderly husband who accompanied her on her movie choice.  Poor guy probably didn't know what he signed up for.  I contemplated asking him for his Man Card but figured he wouldn't have a clue.  Or hand me his Mastercard because I can totally see where he would think I said that.

In case anyone was wondering, I went with my friend K the first time and N & C the next.  When K and I went I asked for my usual (extra butter on my popcorn).  The chick didn't disappoint.  Butter soaked through the bag, 6 napkins and still ended up staining my jeans.  I'm actually surprised my arteries are still allowing blood to flow through them.  When I told Ty this he just gave me a disgusted look and shook his head.  I could feel the judgement from the other side of the table.

So here's my critical opinion:  Good movie.  Must see, even if it's only for the man candy.  Popcorn swimming in butter is delicious.  And gets you judged.

Hi There, Old Friends!

For the two people that are still hanging with me, I again apologize for my absence.  It seems that this whole working 40 hours a week thing kind of sucks the life out of you.  The funny thing is, nothing exciting has been going on.  So basically, my life is about as exciting as Ben Stein's voice.

But in the effort to fill up a little bit of this page, I'll vomit up some of my fabulous happenings....

Olga came to visit us for a week.  Within 5 min of her being in STL I was already yelling and cursing at her and her suitcase.  You see, my Mom has this suitcase that I swear came straight out of 1987 and it's pulled by a strap.  Not a handle, a friggin strap.  So when you pull it, the suitcase always falls to the side.  After about the second time falling over, you end up picking the damn thing up and carrying it.  This wouldn't be so bad if my Mom didn't pack her entire house up for a 5 day trip.  Anyway, after it fell over once I stopped, looked at my Mother and yelled "That's it!  I'm buying you a new suitcase!  This thing is shit..."  Of course Olga tried to say "It's ok, there's nothing wrong with it", as she stifles a laugh.  "Um, you don't have to deal with this stupid thing!  J (my bro) or I do!  Damnit, we're going to Marshall's!"  And off to Marshall's we went where I got her a nice Ralph Lauren suitcase that has a handle and won't fall over every 3 steps.  She liked it.

Anyway, after the whole suitcase debacle we ended up having a great time in The Lou.  The weather was great and she got to see a lot of neat stuff.  We ate delicious food, learned how Budweiser is made (Mom's like "Where's the wine?" *sigh*), got our science on and generally just hung around.  Plus the pups were excited to see their Mom Mom.  That's always a bonus.  They were so sad when she left.  :(  Her new suitcase made me proud.  No falling over.  And I got kudos from both my brothers.  Karen-1 1987 suitcase-0

Other than that, I've gone out to dinners with my friend K (a fellow foodie) and gone to see some fierce drag queens.  I was a little worried at first- you know I love my girls at the Purple Parrot in Rehoboth Beach, DE.  But the STL drags bring the fabulousness!  My buddy N and I had a blast taking in the show and being jealous of the fact that those drags have better legs than we do.  Bitches.

T and I are doing great!  We've been tossing around the baby idea, to the relief and excitement of my dearest friends who have been anxiously waiting for this decision.

So there you have it...I work, hang with Ty, take the occasional break to play tour guide with Og, eat delicious dinners and enjoy the company of drag queens.  What a ridiculously fabulous life I lead...

I'm a Dork.

Even though I'm chock full of fabulousness, sometimes I have to let my inner-nerd out to say hello.  The past couple of weeks she has been making herself quite comfy.  Allow me to explain...

Ever since I've turned 31 (it took the entire year after I turned 30 to accept the fact that I turned 30) I've snapped out of la la land and have realized that I need to live not just for today and tomorrow but for years down the road.  I've began contemplating our retirement.  We've talked goals.  We've discussed our "forever home".  More often that not, the words 401(k), IRA and mutual funds are being tossed around this house.  I've began to scour the internet in search of retirement calculators and ways to save.  I actually feel a little guilty when we go out to eat- that's $30 that could've gone into a Roth.  Are you seeing the nerdiness?

I also spend 8 hours a day, Monday-Friday, reminding myself that I'm working so that we can have a better savings/retirement.

Oh yeah, I'm sure you're chomping at the bit to get an update on my trabajo.  It's going.  I'm learning a lot and the people are nice so that's a plus.  I'm still trying to get used to the whole "Office Space" feel of the job but it's getting better.  The only downside is that it's putting a major cramp in my social life.  And my nap time.

I love naps.  And I love saving and navigating our retirement.

I'm a dork.

It's a Dog's World. I Just Live In It.

And by this I mean another day of listening to the serenade of snoring pups.  See Exhibit A:

And Exhibit B:

And the only reason these two aren't sleeping is because they heard their Dad pull up in the driveway.  But rest assured, they were snoozing 3 seconds before this was taken.

I love these guys (and girl)!  It's amazing to me that they will give you unconditional love and the only thing they ask for in return is some cuddles and food.  I'm a huge supporter of shelter/rescue animals and encourage all of you to adopt before you shop.  And once you've found that four legged addition to your family, be sure to safeguard their health and stop the spread of unwanted animals by spaying/neutering your pet.  We're the humans.  We have the ability to stop the overpopulation and therefore the ridiculous amount of animal euthanasia that happens everyday in this country.

If you can take anything away from this little ditty of mine please know that I'm a huge animal lover, I hate factory farming and I'm always rooting for the shelter animal!  Fabulous!

I'm Reclaiming My Sugar Mama Status

So you know what that means?!  This chick got a J-O-B!  Woot woot!  Finally, after 4 months of couch surfing, Maury watching, house cleaning, and Pinterest recipe making I'm back in the game!  I'm super stoked and can't wait to get the hell out of the house see what this job has in store for me.

As some of you may know, new job means new clothes (this position requires something fancier than Hollister clearance khakis and whatever shirt I pull out of my closet) so off to the mall I go!  Unfortunately my happiness was short lived once I started seeing price tags.  Seriously?!  Are clothes really that expensive or have I just been shopping the Old Navy clearance racks for too long?  Gap wanted $39.95 for a cardigan.  J Crew wanted $69.95 for a button down shirt...on clearance!  Banana Republic wanted $89.50 for a pair of pants.  INSANITY!!!! I had to suck it up and pay the money for the pants because they're the only ones that will fit my no butt-hips-thighs frame.  But at least I got some on sale and used a coupon for the other pair.  I ended up paying $143 with tax for 4 pair.  Still, that's crazy to me.  I'm the girl that hasn't paid over $15 for a pair of pants since...heck, I can't even remember!  I think that for the amount that these stores are charging, the clothes need to be washing, drying and ironing themselves!  Who's with me on that one?

Anyway, after my depressing shopping trip I decided to fill up on some delicious Cheesecake Factory to make up for the weight loss my wallet had just gone though.  Nothing rights the wrongs of the world like some overpriced cheesecake.  Damnit- yesterday was just not my bank accounts day.  Good thing I got that job.  You know, to pay for all the stuff I had to get for it.  :)

Happy St. Patrick' Day...From My Irish Half!

Ahhh....St. Patrick's Day!  Since I'm not as cool as I used to be, this holiday was pretty low key.  That means no green beer, no falling down drunk, no shenanigans.  Nope, just grocery shopping and making Shepherds Pie.  Currently it's 9p and I'm sitting on my couch surrounded my snoring pups and watching Diners, Drive Ins and Dives.  Whoa, whoa, whoa.  Slow it down, killer.

As I promised before, I'm going to be more on the ball when it comes to keeping the two people that read this up to speed on my goings on....but until then, commercials over and I've got to get back to Guy.  Duces!